“ If you get discouraged when there’s a lack of color here, please don’t worry, lover, it’s really bursting at the seams. ”
A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie (via quote-book)
The hardest fourteen days of my life, i can’t do it without you. I saw him a couple of days ago, he acted like he barely knew me. I held on for a long as i could, but when i got home i couldn’t control it. All of my friends keep talking about him, it seems he is their best friend and i’m just there, i can’t stand hearing his name anymore without wanting to break down. I’m pretty sure that he’s already over everything, and that is what kills me the most. I’ve been sitting here for hours reading his messages, it’s a pain that feels too big to ever go away. I need you, i can’t live without you, when i told you i was okay to be okay, when i promised i wouldn’t do it i lied because the thought crosses my mind every second of every day.
Tonight he talked to me. We talked for a really long time about all of this shit and he said that he still cares. He said i’m still his best friend and we will go back to how we were, we just need time, years even. He told me a whole heap of other stuff and i want to hate him so much, but i still love him. This is killing me, he has no idea how much it hurts for him to say he still cares and then say that we can’t do anything anymore. I’ve never been like this in my life, i can’t
Ten incredibly painful days.
It’s okay when i’m not thinking about him, everything is fine for a while. Any moment i get caught off my guard and i remember everything, i fall apart. Today i accidently read one of his messages in class and i couldn’t stop crying. I was talking to someone about things and we talked about him a little, and the tears just wouldn’t stop coming. You think when someone is crying next to you you might notice, but both times not a person did. It hurts so much to see him talking to someone we were both friends with, and getting so close to her. All of my friends are better friends with him and won’t talk to me about anything. I am falling apart and no one has a clue. I miss him so much it’s killing me, i really just need him here..
He has his heart set on leaving. He can’t leave, i can’t let him do that. If he goes i will have nothing left, i will have no reason to be here..
He said that if he left no one would notice. He said that there’s only 4 people who care about him and i asked him if he was moving. He said no and i told him there was more than 4 people who care. He said he couldn’t talk to me and then he wrote about how he can’t do this, he can’t keep crying anymore. It makes me so angry that i fuck everything up, that he has the right to cry when he left me. He said he wanted us to be friends but he won’t say a word to me, i cannot be here anymore.
You told me you couldn’t live without me. You said that if i left you would never be okay, that you couldn’t do it. You told me that you were going to be with me forever, that we would make it through everything together. And then you left, and i’m falling apart. I can’t do this without you, i’m never going to be okay. I’m going to love you with every part of me for as long as i live, but that just doesn’t mean a single fucking thing.
“ Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to. Someone who is not only willing to be there for you, but understands you and what you’re going through. Someone whom you let your guards around and reveal your imperfections. Someone who will never judge you or sway away even from the mistakes you make. Someone who doesn’t need words to prove but you both know that the person will always be there. Someone who loves you, truly for who you are. One of the greatest gifts in life is having the chance to find someone like that in your life. ”
(via merci-la-vie)
He was my everything, he was my entire world. He had been my best friend for so long, he was the only person who was there for me when i was going through all kinds of things, and eventually i fell in love with him. We were so close, a lot of people thought we were a couple. This one day his best friend told me how he had kissed another girl, and i think that was the first time i realised how much i liked him. After that, he had another girl who was living in a different town, and he seemed happy with her. While they were together we had gotten really close, he used to hold me and it would make everything better. One night i went to his house and i laid there in his arms, our faces were next to each other and i was just looking into his eyes and i knew i loved him. This girl was upset that night, and it killed me that he was with her while he was this close to me. They ended up breaking up, and we got closer.
He was my best friend in the entire world, he was the only person i had ever truly trusted. One day in summer we walked home barefoot in the pouring rain, this was by far the best moment of my life and it was just because i was with him, it didn’t matter if we were together or not. I think we pretty much acted like a couple, he would put him around me in public and everyone thought we were together. At our friends party, by this point we both pretty much knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. He cuddled with me all night, he kissed me on the cheek and the forehead and played with my hair. A little while after this, me and a couple of our friends went to his house on easter. He had been acting weird for most of the night, and he went to his room with my friend and they were talking for ages, and they wouldn’t let me be there. I went to go say goodbye to them because i had to leave, and my friend left the room so that we could talk. He was sitting on the ground, so i asked him what was wrong. He said he loved me and i told him i loved him too. He started crying and he said that i didn’t get it, that he loved me and i didn’t understand. I said that i understood and i loved him too, but he didn’t believe me. He got up to leave and i grabbed him and the he kissed me. That moment changed everything for me. I remember that night clearer than anything, i remember how much i was shaking as i left, i remember how i stayed up all night because i couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened.
We were both so worried that being together would ruin everything, because he was my best friend and i didn’t want to do anything to lose him, he was the most important person in my life. I think that was why it took us so long until he couldn’t handle it anymore and he confessed his love for me, we were scared of what would happen. The next day my friends were telling me how we were going to end up together, and i doubted them, i thought everything was going to be ruined. The day after that, i went back to his house and he were cuddling on his couch for hours, and then he finally asked me out. I said yes, even though i was terrified of everything. The first month that we were together, everything was amazing. I don’t remember ever being happier in my life, everything seemed perfect.
In May, things in my life started to get really hard because it was a bad time, and he was there for me through all of it. He held me when i cried, he wiped away my tears and he talked to me about it all. When it came to my birthday, i was completely dreading it and he promised he was going to make it better. I have never had a good birthday in my life, but that one was the first where i wasn’t alone, and it meant the world to me. After we got back from Adelaide, i was completely stressing out and i couldn’t cope with school. He helped me with all of that, and when it came holidays things got a little bit better.
School went back three weeks ago, and i really haven’t been able to handle it at all. He tried to help me with everything, and i didn’t really have anyone else at the time so i think that put pressure on him. I tried to hide everything from him, i pretended i was okay when my life was falling apart because i didn’t want him to worry. He promised me that we would make it through everything together, that it was all going to be fine. He promised me that we would be together forever, that there was nothing that could make him stop loving me. I kept pushing him away because i didn’t want to let him in, i was afraid that if he knew everything he would realise what a mess i am and he wouldn’t want to be with me.
Today is three days before what would have been our four month anniversary, and today he broke up with me. He said he couldn’t do this anymore, that he couldn’t handle everything and i was pushing him away and it was too hard. Today was the day i was so scared would come, and it did. Today is the day that broke my heart, and ruined this giant part of me. This boy made me believe his promise even though i fought so hard not to, even though trusting him was impossible for me. He made me believe that we would be together forever, and i actually believed him. Today he told me that we couldn’t be together and i wanted to die, he made me believe and he promised and he was the one person in this entire world that i thought i could trust. Today is the day i have given up trusting anyone, the day i have given up believing in love, the day i don’t think i can get past. Today is the day i know that nothing good in my life ever lasts, today is the day i want everything to end.
Today, i lost everything in the world that matters to me.
I have never ever felt like this,
I have never wanted to die so bad.
